When a Dog Is Grieving (and So Are You)

Dogs grieve. We know this partly because, after a loss, their behaviour can change. Other animals—including primates, elephants, whales and dolphins—show changes too. With dogs, as with the others, much of what we understand comes from watching what happens after someone they know is gone.

A loss can mean another dog in the house, a person who filled the food bowl every morning for twelve years, or a move away from the dogs and familiar walkers a dog knew. And often, when a dog is grieving, someone else in the house is grieving too.

In my work, grief has appeared more often than I might have expected, usually alongside other things. One dog in particular has stayed with me.

She came from a military base across the ocean. Before she was rescued by the family who would become her forever home, she had been kicked and abused. There was already an older male dog in the house, a calm fellow who seemed to know what to do with himself. She began following his lead. Where he went, she went. If he approached something, she did too.

Dogs who have learned to watch carefully for signs of safety may take their cues from a settled companion. For this dog, it worked. For years, she joined in the family’s routines and seemed to enjoy them.

Then the older dog died.

Her behaviour changed almost overnight. Things she had done freely for years began to frighten her. She barked every day and paced the floors. She didn’t want to be left alone. When the family was home, she slept much more than before.

The dog she had been watching was gone, and the world seemed less certain without him. It took months of patient work for her to become the engaged, playful dog her family knew.

She did get there. I still think of her.

What you might see

After a loss, you may notice your dog:

• Eating less

• Sleeping more, or having trouble sleeping

• Playing less

• Searching for someone, or keeping to themselves

• Waiting by a door, or near a particular chair or room

• Staying closer to you than usual

• Asking for more attention

• Whining or barking more

If you’ve noticed a change, you’re not imagining it. In a 2022 Italian study of 426 owners who had lost one of two dogs, 86 percent noticed negative changes in the surviving dog. For about a third, those changes lasted two to six months; for a quarter, they lasted longer than six months. Changes were more likely when the dogs had been friendly with each other, and when the owner was grieving too.

That study looked at dogs who had lost another dog. There is less research on dogs losing a person, but owners and professionals describe similar changes. And even without grief, the ordinary parts of the day may have shifted: a familiar voice is missing, the morning walk happens at a different time, or someone’s favourite chair stays empty.

How to help your dog

A familiar day can be a comfort. Keep meals, walks and bedtime as close to usual as you can. If the person who died took the morning walk, someone else might take over, at about the same time and along the same route. Little bits of sameness can help when so much feels different.

Your dog may want a little more company. It needn’t be a special outing or a new toy. Sitting together while you have your tea counts.

The biggest tip I provide to dog parents dealing with grief and/or depression is to notice and praise the small returns: a sniff along the hedge, a look at a toy, a few steps toward the door. You can praise your dog gently. It reinforces that it makes 'you' happy, and encourages more movement into finding joy in life.

You also don’t have to clear away every familiar thing at once. A bed, blanket or coat still has its usual place and smell. You can leave it there for a while, for your dog and for yourself.

Looking after yourself

The days may be difficult for you too. The dog still needs breakfast, even when you’re not sure what you feel like having. A walk may be shorter than usual, and that can still be a walk. Or ask a neighbor to lend a hand – they will be certainly eager to help in some way.  If you need a hand, it can help to ask for one small, particular thing. “Could you walk her on Tuesday and Thursday mornings?” gives someone a place to begin. They may be relieved not to have to invent the perfect offer.

You don’t need to manage your grief beautifully. If you find yourself overwhelmed, you might give yourself a little space — perhaps another room, perhaps a quiet minute on the porch — and then come back when you’re ready. There isn’t one right way to be sad, and your dog doesn’t need you to perform being fine.

The bar can be low for a while. A short walk around the block counts. Treats provided after simple requests. If dinner is something you can eat with one hand while the other rests on the dog’s back, that counts too.

And if talking would help, there are people to talk to: a friend, your family doctor, a grief counsellor or a support group. Today, there are pet-loss support lines as well. Losing an animal can leave a very large space in an ordinary day.

Your dog may notice that things have changed. Your routines, your face and even your scent may be different for a while; dogs are good at noticing us. You might find a few small familiar moments together: the first stretch in the morning, the slow walk home, the dog settling beside you while you watch something you’ve seen before. Some dogs draw closer when their people are upset. Others need a little space. Both are dogs being dogs.

You’ll find your way through this together, though perhaps not at the same pace. For now, there’s the next meal, the next walk, and the familiar company of someone who knows you.

References

Uccheddu, S., Ronconi, L., Albertini, M., Coren, S., Da Graça Pereira, G., De Cataldo, L., Haverbeke, A., Mills, D. S., Pierantoni, L., Riemer, S., Testoni, I., & Pirrone, F. (2022). Domestic dogs (Canis familiaris) grieve over the loss of a conspecific. Scientific Reports, 12, 1920. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-05669-y

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Sparky Smith is the developer of CNSS, Canine Neurobiological Systems Science metaframework. An original, open-source framework that brings neurobiology, systems science, psychology, and evaluation science together into a single approach for understanding and changing canine behaviour. All official CNSS content is published through dogparentology.com and Sparky Smith’s ResearchGate profile.